...

ok, well, for starters -
bone awl is my new favorite band for for 5:56pm; think burzum meets the germs
I've been downloading entirely too much new music and haven't had a chance to catch up with everything I've downloaded
I still have a bunch of new folk albums, some more experimental-noise albums and a couple of black metal albums to listen to. I've also decided that I'm going to start making mix cds and uploading them to online file sharing sites and posting the link in both my lj and my myspace

Due to drama at work, I've decided to make my myspace private in order to keep nosy people from taking things out of context or bringing certain aspects of my personal life which i would like to keep personal; its fine for the anonymous people and the people i know to read, but not nosy bitches at work who are attempting to obtain favors from someone who can't even provide them.

my personal politics seem to be careening out of control and affecting most aspects of my life; maybe i should invest in finding a good street corner now before they all get taken

hating to admit this, but I finally started *really* reading "Paradise Lost" by Milton; and of course, I relate to satan more than god. I'm surprised that more people don't worship satan because milton's work makes for definite argument in his favor lol

Hmm...well, considering that my cross dressing brother is at Toledo Bend with his gf, I may have the computer for long enough to upload a mix cd...(yes, my brother is a cross dresser - he even has fake breasts in a box that he wears when he dresses up)

I'm having difficulty writing and I'm uncertain as to why. I have a lot to say and much of it is rather personal (but saying that in any sort of blog seems to be rather ridiculous because blogs are simply billboards for people to create a sideshow for all the anonymous world to see (or better yet, read.)

For 10 weeks I was a father (unknowingly) and then was told that both children were miscarried. I've looked at it objectively and have tried to tell myself different things in order to console myself, but nothing helps. I don't want to have children anymore, I've already had twins and they're dead.

Why am I incapable of letting go of past emotions? More so, why is it that people who don't want me still want me to feel the same way without it being returned? How have I made myself into this person to fall back upon? I don't bother extending myself to others anymore yet there's a lot of emotions struggling underneath the surface; yet, I've done such a good job at suppressing them, they've become convoluted and twisted up inside of me...and then i find myself writing something that sounds better suited to a impotent love song. Some

I really don't have much else to say - I'm attempting to purchase a 4 track to experiment with and I've really gotten into folk music recently.
If anyone reading my blog would like to start a cd exchange, let me know

so i'm here on lj, tapped for words and not sure why i'm even posting on lj, since i gave it up a long time ago for the greener pastures of myspace, only to encounter even more drama than i ever thought some bullshit website could provide

so, contrary to threats and promises and morbid portent writing, i'm not dead
sometimes i feel like i'm really not alive, but that's neither here nor there...(maybe another time)

but i still find myself at ends with people and society...i can't even maintain what could be considered a 'normal' relationship; worse still, i've missed out on a couple of what could have been great relationships (again, maybe another time)

i hate my job, can count on one hand the amount of times i've worn shoes in the past year and would really like some juice right now

i keep listening to the song 'chief rocka' by the lords of the underground - of course no one else probably who is even going to read this has any idea who they are, but whatever

i stretched my ears to 9/16 the other day, bathed my cats and learned firsthand what scarification is like (not willingly - bathing four cats an be an issue)

what else? i collect fetishes like some people collect baseball cards or social diseases. i don't drink, smoke when stressed, chronic masterbator, great vegetarian\half-assed vegan (damn you, soy yogurt - why must you taste like chalk? (and how do i know what chalk tastes like?) damn you soy cheese, why must you be so expensive and taste like paste?), blah blah blah

i need spray paint to spread the word

i open up a random page of a web comic, completely unprepared and i have no idea what the comic is about...then i read it...and i find out all i ever needed to know...somethings are taken for granted in life, but without gorilla's driving cars and zombie ninjas...well, life just wouldn't be the same

this morning i spent 3 hours reading articles on fark
then i caught up with the news on my only source of outside world-based information(save my imagination)  The Onion
i looked up random things on wikipedia, like overtone singing
i did some work somewhere
and i drank coffee
and a little more work
a little 'accidental' naughty web content
more coffee
i then proceeded to make the mistake of 'treating' myself to sonic for lunch and am now waiting to give birth to a huge ball of grease that's currently residing in my stomach
more coffee to offset the grease baby
looked at craiglist and found a daydream girlfriend...things were going great until she started complaining about my 'minimalist lifestyle' and demanded that i get a couch for the living room i never entertain guests in..it was a messy split, but we're friends lol
thought about mike tyson waffles (don't ask - inside joke of an inside joke)



the end
another counterproductive day

i really shouldn't focus on the negative as much...i'm duly aware that most of my issues stem from two problems - my tendency to 'care too much' (as several notable people have pointed out over the years, and well, whatever personality disorder i do have...whatever lol

but i'm going to be happy, with or without certain people...i mean, that's all i want, is to be happy and i think that's really want anyone wants...and i've always realied heavily on the small things to make me happy...i don't need material extravagance, although that would be readily available to me at this moment if i chose to do so...but you know what makes me happy? toast with apple butter on it...playing with puppies...reading a book...walking at clayburn park barefoot, even though you aren't supposed to and i don't see the difference between me wearing flip flops or me talking them off...there's very little separating me from things in flip flops lol
right now i'm happy because i just got back from my lunch at promiles and i went to my parent's, talked to my mom, ate some weird pastries from the mexican farmer's market in houston and my pee wee's playhouse shirt came in, along with my 00g ear plugs which i don't think are actually 00 but 7/16, but whatever...i'm wearing my pee wee's playhouse shirt, listening to kent brockman, mulling over the aftertaste of cigarettes and mexican pastries and sitting at work, about to attempt to do work

and you know what? i'm happy in spite of everything and everyone
and contrary to how my text sounds online, i am neither being sarcastic nor spiteful when i say i hope everything works out for everyone hehe

ok, so i never update on here
i suppose there was a reason, i think it had to do with jumping on the myspace wagon so many years ago and seriously neglecting livejournal, which is less, well, less inclined to drama than myspace, if that's possible
a lot has occured, most of which doesn't merit mentioning...because either it's been said and i would rather avoid having to rehash the past year or so or it's really not all that interesting, like most aspects of my life

the current state of affairs in my life leaves much to be desired, and in some ways is actually improved although it's all coincidental
due to my actions, which was neither well-recieved or understood due to the narrow-minded scope of people, i alienated the majority of my friends...a lot of people tend to romanticize and idealize drama, and certain situations appeal more to them and thier ego than others. example - it's easier to deal with a close friend wanting to have sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend than that close friend absolutely loathing them and wishing nothing more than to break you two up...it's a matter of circumstances and the people involved...if it were your parents trying to break you up, you suddenly become a 'forbidden love' a la romeo and juliet, while if it's your close friend trying to ruin your relationship, they're just a shallow, selfish asshole, regardless if they have numerous, long-standing reasons as to why a relationship isn't good or if it's in your friend's best intentions...as far as the whole sex thing is concerned, everyone likes to feel attractive and they also like to think that everyone thinks that their respective other is as attractive to other people as they are to themselves, even though it may not be the case
i'm pretty certain this all sounds like an excuse or a cop out, and none of it makes sense and is vague (as per typical) but i tend to respect people's requests to omit names from situations or involve other people, even if they chose not, which is fine...i have no issues playing the adult
in all due respect, my friends are my friends for a reason, and there's a certain amount of trust and a feeling of reliablity that i come to expect from them...now, i'm not demanding in the least, and not to sound conceited, and it's in no way my intention to sound as so, but i tend to do more for these friends than i get in return, which i have absolutely no qualms about...it all evens out in the end...but it came to a point where it was expected, and almost seemed sometimes, demanded of me to do certain things and help out in certain ways...i was unwillingly brought into many situations that i really could care less about and to be honest, didn't concern me...and all of this added to an unsurmountable amount of stress in my life, stress that i can do without...i work two jobs, i have two grandparents who are in poor health that i help out with and am in constant worry about, then some other family issues, etc etc i won't really go into it because it's no one else's concern but mine and no one really likes to hear people complain about thier problems when they have problems themselves...but this stress is optional, this friendly fire type stress...it's never resolved because the moment it been approached and a solution found, something else takes it's place...a large number of people are like this, and that's fine, i can't say much...however, i tend to take on other people's problems, which only add to my own...and thus is friendship...you take the good with the bad, but with some people, it's always bad...it's always stress...it's always drama...and i'm certain there's a large number of people who say the same in regards to me, which is fine because in thier case, it's probably true. now this group of people have willingly removed themselves from my life due to my actions, and in lieu of my usual tendency to beg and plead and attempt to 'win back' these friends, i'm leaving it alone...i have no real desire to beg someone to be my friend, as if i was a child...i spent most of my childhood pleasing other people and catering to thier whims in order to win thier friendship...i think i'm well past that...i'm making all attempts at moving on and doing what i need to accomplish, which is going quite well to be honest, and removing as much 'fluff' as i can from my life, yet certain characters deem that impossible, making attempts to drag me back into the fray as it were in order to get the attention they crave and require to feel justified...very few people are innocent, and i honestly believe that there's no such thing as an innocent bystander - everyone is a victim, everyone is guilty of something and it's just a matter of karma/fate/divine retribution catching up with you...and i'm fine with that
one of the individuals involved, who as far as i can see, only has the best intentions, wants me to apologize and 'forget my pride' for a moment
i apologize when i'm guilty and will always be the first to admit that i'm at fault...i've apologized, and that should be enough...i am sorry, and i wish that i could have gone about things in a different way, but this...hate...has been inside me for a long time and due to the limitations people enjoy putting on themselves and how they think and rationalize and understand things make it difficult to explain the situation to them and my actions to them without them immediately jumping to what they construe as the obvious answer...i believe that if you dislike someone, you should act the opposite and for every hateful action you consider, turn it into something nice and loving...the more you hate someone, you should love them more and do more for them than anyone else...i know that doesn't make sense to most of you and i don't intend for it to...it's my way, not yours...hate and love are often interchanged, confused, and provide masks for each other...and my emotions are no different than anyone else's...
this is the first time i've openly spoken about this, save with the concerned parties and my cats...and it really doesn't make much of a difference...i just wanted to get it out of my head and on something that isn't going to misunderstand my feelings and thoughts...
my only way of coping with this situation is by applying with a heavy hand a facade of indifference...i can't deal with the range of emotions i have and the only way i can deal with them in a semi-healthy way is by letting them out slowly over time...i'm not going to deceive anyone into thinking i haven't considered taking the easy way out a handful of times in the past couple of weeks, but thanks to my babies (Saint Francis and the ever charming Bastard) that's been avoided, if not curtailed for the moment being

i hope that i have the resolve to deal with this

the idea of love seems to be wasted on me because my ideas differ vastly as far as what it is and should be

i have no hard feelings, although people may be under the impression that i'm not entitled to any, and i wish all parties concerned the best of luck with thier new loves, thier old ones and the new adventures they're heading towards

if uh, you know, you wanna know how i'm doing, go here:
http://www.myspace.com/jimsleazy

you can add me or whatever...i should have some new pictures up soon
woo

i dont really update this anymore hehe
so, uh, if you care, you can go to my myspace
that's where it's at or so i'm told
updated, uh, whenever

the words they say
tear holes in each other's skin
like paper it tears without resistance
leaving wounds that bleed freely, generously
they pour vinegar into each others wounds
they pour salt into each others wounds
they tear open each others wounds
they lick each others wounds